“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow; but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heal them.” – Leo Tolstoy
Leo Tolstoy’s statement, taken at face value makes some interesting and profound assumptions. Listing them can act as a paraphrase. Love can be applied strongly as a verb. Strong love depends on the capability of the one wielding it. Sorrow can be great. Sorrow is suffered. Sorrow and love can exist in the same person. Strong love and great sorrow can exist in the same person. Loving strongly is a prerequisite for suffering great sorrow.
These general assumptions are followed by others. Loving/loving strongly is either a predilection or a predisposition in some people. This predisposition to love counteracts the effects of their grief. This predisposition to love is an antidote to their grief and the source of their grief. Sorrow and love can exist in the same person at the same time. Those “who are capable of loving strongly” will love strongly again after/while suffering their great sorrow.
There are two approaches we can take to the modifier “only”: on the one hand, there may be other circumstances where suffering great sorrow is possible; on the other hand, what is it about love that both allows for such great sorrow and serves to heal of that great sorrow. As to the former, I can think of only regret over opportunities lost or love not spent (sins of omission), and of sins against self / others / humanity that reap sometimes devastating consequences (sins of commission).
As to the latter, consider the following logical extensions to Tolstoy’s statement. Firstly, loving strongly and suffering great sorrow are a perpetual feedback loop if those “capable of loving strongly” choose to express that love strongly amidst their great sorrow/grief. Secondly, because of their propensity to suffer great sorrow, loving strongly becomes a necessity to those capable of it.
A third, more powerful, logical extension to the statement is that those “who are capable of loving strongly” may persist in a state of great sorrow if they do not proceed to love strongly again. Bitterness could be said to result from choosing not to love strongly again, as would be holding grudges, loss of morale, losing perspective on your circumstances, focusing on the problem rather than finding solutions, a general dislike of people, and fear to engage in life and take risks.
In a different vein, ‘not proceeding to love strongly again’ robs us of the potential joy of reaping the fruit of our loving actions (both the fruit in ourselves and that in the lives of other people). It also robs us of our gratitude, our hope, our enthusiasm, our ability to look on the bright side, our ability to discern between good and evil, our ability to trust, our ability to forgive and forget, and if you are a Christian, the perpetuating loss of fellowship with God and others.
This leads us to a fourth logical extension of the statement: the ‘perpetual feedback loop’ is a positive feedback loop. The more you love, the more you may suffer great sorrow, the more you will need to love again to heal your sorrow and the source of your sorrow, the more you will expose yourself to further, possibly greater suffering, and so forth.
Since Love is others-centered, the joy of loving is wrapped up in both the love as an action and/or the momentary and extended benefit of your love to the other person. Love itself is a positive feedback loop. This is the fifth and final logical extension to Tolstoy’s statement.
Indeed, loving strongly imbues a sense of strong loss in suffering great sorrow (or of strong pain in suffering great sorrow), but the joy of having loved and loved strongly only pales in comparison to the wonder at the fruit of your love in the other person’s life and that in your own. At times, this takes the form of hope. Often, it requires courage.
The Bible takes this to the extreme in the person of Jesus Christ:
John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
I John 4:10-11 – “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”
John 15:13 – “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.”
Hebrews 12:1-3 – “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
Romans 5:8-11 – “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.”
Our efforts to love become memories; these become memories we can look back upon and smile (and/or cry). These are the memories that tell us we are fragile as human beings and allow us to long for a Place where Love will be complete. These are the memories that spur the desire to love again, strongly. In the process, we are healed (and so are they).
