On Relationships We Can Trust

What if walking with God could be understood in the context of relationship?  What if the quality of that relationship depended on God's approach to His end of the relationship?  Could we trust Him?  Would it influence our approach to Him?  Would it influence our approach to others?

Business and psychology writer and executive coach (among other things), Dr. Henry Cloud, writes about trust building in relationships, in Integrity: the Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality - How Six Essential Qualities Determine Your Success in Business. What would happen in relationship if not only did the other party go beyond win-win in interactions but also looked out for your best interests when you weren't present and at cost to themselves?  Cloud's answer may astound you, but I also think it will ring true.  In Chapter 5, "Building Trust Through Extending Favor," Cloud states,

. . . there is a much greater degree of trust in the person of a more complete integrity.  It is the kind of trust that looks out for your interests, as well as his or her own.  In other words, you are not in it alone.  There is someone who is not only looking out for what is good for him, but what is good for you too.  That goes past just "win-win," meaning that he will look out for you when it benefits him.  It goes to looking out for you, period. 

One of the Hebrew words that means "trust" has the association that I like most when thinking of what "trust" actually means.  To trust means to be careless. 

It means that you do not have to worry about how to "take care" of yourself with that person, because he is going to be worried about that too.  It means that you do not have to "guard" yourself with her, because she is going to be concerned with what is good for you and what is not good for you.  You do not have to "watch your back" with him, because he is going to be watching it for you.  So if something comes up in the deal later that neither of you thought of, you know that the person on the other side of the table is going to be concerned for your interests as well as his own.  He won't be a pushover and ignore what he needs, but he will have concern for you too, even when he doesn't have to. 

Cloud later describes this in terms of being "for" someone and not "against" them. He defines types of approaches to trust.

The first is what we refer to as paranoid.  This kind of person just doesn't see trust as an option and can do OK, as long as things are going well. But, these people typically do not extend themselves to others in the kinds of giving and vulnerability that we saw above, because they feel as if everyone will come back to get them.  Somehow they will "get screwed in the end," they feel.  "No good turn goes unpunished" could be their motto, and when something goes wrong, they instantly get into retaliatory mode.  

Since they can so quickly feel that you are out to get them, trusting them becomes difficult also because they will quickly turn into an adversary, based on suspicion or even a slight of some sort.  And since they feel so threatened, they respond with heavy artillery and attack.  You are not really safe, even when things are going well, as it could quickly turn nasty . . . they really do perceive the world as split between the good guys and the bad guys, and because of that, they are always expecting to see the bad guy come around the corner, and that could be you.  And since you can become "bad" pretty quickly, you have to watch out for them also.  Everyone is on edge, and "careless trust" really never happens.  

The second type of person is not really one who is suspicious or expects things to go bad.  These types desire trust and good relationships and treat people well, as long as they are being treated well.  And they do not turn mole hills into mountains or read paranoid meanings into innocent mistakes.  They are pretty forgiving and can solve problems.  They will do wonderful things as well and can be quite giving to people who are doing well to them.  They give as long as they are receiving, and things are mutual.  They truly are "for" the ones who are "for" them . . . 

But, if something truly does go wrong or, even less than going wrong, is not equal or mutual in some way, then they cry foul, and their good treatment of the other stops.  They are not being stroked, so they are not going to stroke . . .

. . . it is a dependent giving, and a dependent love.  In other words, they are giving to each other because they are being given to. They are being gratified in some way, so they are giving "in return." As long as the other person gives to them, they give to the other . . .

The truth is that it is difficult to trust someone based on the demand for mutual performance.  If I can only trust you to be for me when I am doing well by you, then I am in trouble.  Because the truth is that I will fail you in some way somewhere along the path, and at that moment I need you to help me, not turn against me.  But if you are going to turn on me when I fail to do my part well, then I am always in fear and protection mode, thinking that I could lose your support at any juncture.  Then we live not in trust, but in mutual fear . . . The love is dependent on the other one gratifying him or her. 

True trust comes when we realize that another's goodness, and being for my best interest, is not dependent on anything.  It is just a part of that person's integrity.  It is who that person is, the kind of person who wants the best for others and will do whatever he or she can to bring that about.  Then, there is nothing to fear.  If I mess up, you will be there fore me.  You are going to do well by me, even if I am not watching.  That doesn't mean that you are going to ignore my failures, by any measure.  You may even do an intervention, or something strong to get me to face my lack of performance.  But you will still have my best interests in mind, and that will be your motivation.  As a result, I can trust your intervention and be helped. 

And the trust is that this kind of person never really initiates being "against" anyone, unless that person is doing something to harm him or others.  At that point, the person will take a stand to end the destruction, but even that kind of stand is against the destructiveness.  There is a big difference between a wolf and a loving German shepherd who sometimes growls to protect someone.  It's the difference between a predator and a loyal pet . . . The person . . . is only against the destruction and not the person himself.   

Dr. Henry Cloud proceeds to describe a "person of grace" as the third type of person.

Grace is when we extend "favor" to someone, not because they have earned it in some way, but because we just possess it to give.  It is a stance in life, a way of being . . . the key is that this kind of person keeps the standard, while at the same time trying to be a force that helps the other person meet the standard.  That is a trustworthy character that we can throw in with and depend on for the long haul. 

Integrity, the kind that meets the demands of reality, is character that can handle another person's not being all someone needs that person to be.  By moving as a positive force that is "for" the other person's getting better, as opposed to moving against him or disengaging because he ins't, the person leverages him to a higher level.  As a result, these people do not get dragged down by other people's failures, but are a force of redemption in any situation, bringing it to a higher level.  That translates into a relationship being healed in one's personal life, or a company getting turned around in one's business life.  Either way, his or her character has been a force "for" the good of the other, even when no one made her do it.  

I have been guilty of all of these things on more than one occasion.  I suspect I have a ways to go to demonstrate integrity here.  I know I have been guilty of writing people off, giving up on people and not showing people grace.

But what if God isn't; and what if God doesn't?  What if God's character was such that He demonstrated dignity, grace, constancy, and love all at the same time, all the time.  What if God was a God of integrity.  Could we trust Him?  Would we want to?

Consider, Romans 5:1-11 (NASB):

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  

For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die.  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.  And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. 

Philippians 2:1-11, states,

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.  Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.  For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  

I John 4:9-10 states, "By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.  In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins."

Romans 8:28-39 (NASB), states,

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.  For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. 

What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who is against us?  He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?  Who will bring a charge against God's elect?  God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns?  Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.  Who will separate us from the love of Christ?  Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  Just as it is written,  

"For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.   For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

II Timothy 2:10-13 (NASB), states,

For this reason I endure all things for the sake of those who are chosen, so that they also may obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus and with it eternal glory.  It is a trustworthy statement: "For if we died with Him, we also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He also will deny us; if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."  

Deuteronomy 4:25-31 (NASB), states,

When you become the father of children and children's children and have remained long in the land, and act corruptly, and make an idol in the form of anything, and do that which is evil in the sight of the Lord your god so as to provoke Him to anger, I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that you will surely perish quickly from the land where you are going over the Jordan to possess it.  You shall not live long on it, but will be utterly destroyed.  The Lord will scatter you among the peoples, and you will be left few in number among the nations where the Lord drives you.  There you will serve gods, the work of man's hands, wood and stone, which neither see nor hear nor eat nor smell.  But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.  When you are in distress and all these things have come upon you, in the latter days you will return to the Lord your God and listen to His voice.  For the Lord your God is a compassionate God; He will not fail you nor destroy you nor forget the covenant with your fathers which He swore to them.  

Philippians 1:6 (NASB), states, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."  And Philippians 2:13 (NASB), "for it is God who is at work in you both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

In my mind, these things fit Dr. Henry Cloud's description of relationship with someone we can trust.  Why wouldn't we want that with Him?  Believing that is who He is, how would that affect our relationship with Him?

Knowing Him, I also want to trust Him.

You?